Amy's way or the highway

More wisdom from cabbie Mike

“In winter, we say ‘it’s cold here. What the f--- am I doing here? I think ‘why did I miss the snow when I lived in California?' Why do I need to live somewhere that can maintain snow, where the weather needs to stay below thirty so it doesn’t melt. I mean Denver has snow, but most of it ain’t real. It’s too beautiful to be real, but it’s because the temperature isn’t freezing…But spring and fall, you couldn’t ask me to live anywhere else in the world, but Chicago.”

preachy shit from my notebook

America is re-wiring, learning to think again, but with technology(blogs, emails, text messaging, comedy central, spin)

Remember the saying "Technology is moving faster than we are?" We're catching up, but it's making us dumb and not very present. Get it? We're machines. Click click click. Beeeeep.

The phenomena of being discovered is friggin fascinating. Do you really wait for someone to come up and say "Aren't you somebody?" Somebody once did come up to me and say "Hey aren't you somebody?" And I said "No." And that was that. Who knows? I probably blew it. By now, I could have had new tits and a tv show, where I humiliated myself on a regular basis. Of course, I wouldn't know that until I was dying, and then, as they say, "Rosebud."

Materialism is winning the battle royale. The more jeans I buy, the less I give to the poor.

People f---ing love to laugh. Comedy shows have replaced neighbors, village meetings, lions dens and diners. It is no longer neccesary for my friends to be funny. Stephen Colbert turns off and on, and he never needs his couch moved, and he never calls me crying with a broken heart. He's so much less demanding than you screwball three dimensional people.

Consumerism has led to canned laughter. Everything is for sale.

Machines are preferable to people. I'm not worried about them taking my jobs. I'm more concerned with my friends realizing machines are less moody than I am.

The Twilight Zone warned us machines would take over. I just thought they'd take jobs, not ruin conversation. I think it should be illegal to carry on conversations via text message.

If I were an alien, I would find many of you too boring to probe. I would only probe the people whose cultures all knew the same songs.

Chicago is a language. It's hard to move here, because you've arrived in the middle of the conversation. We're friendly but not that friendly.

People keep discovering the world over and over again. The mushrooms, the cumulous numbus cloud formations, the jokes, the ocean. Maybe that's why it doesn't always feel new to us.

The man at the next table is falling in love with his French tutor. He keeps saying to her, "But your accent. But your accent. "

excerpts from the taxicab

Sept. 14th
Wisdom from Mike, the cabby

Mike on Dispatchers-
"Radio dispatchers have become obsolete. It's all machines now. It's 90% good. 10% bad. It's ended favoritism.
On the other hand, if someone makes a mistake, they get kicked off the computer from 3 to 24 hours and get no fares, and there's no one they can call."

"Drivers used to get yelled at through a radio in front of customers, berated, pants-downed in the enclosed tin can ride. Now, they only get kicked off the machine, but once they're off, they're off and their day is ruined."
(There is no Eden)

Mike sighs-
"God is in the service industry."

Mike on judging fares by their threads-
"Some people are only nice to people who have something they want. But you never know who's gonna tip you, who's gonna treat you right."

Mike, on picking up people who already shit themselves: "There's something about picking somebody up who already did what you fear they would do."

Mike on taking care of business-
"Once I picked up this flag, someone off the machine, just waved at me...he got in, heavy traffic, not moving...he says, 'I really got to pee.' I say 'I'll get you there.' He says 'Baaaad." I think, shit. Then he says 'I also need to get there in 5 minutes.' I'm like 'shit man why didn't you just run or grab an airplane or something.' The whole time the guy is fidgeting and I'm praying he can hold it. I'm pretty sure he did."

More on not judging-
"You never know who's gonna be good to you. I got this panhandler one day. A flag, obviously. His fare is four bucks. He gives me twenty, asks for ten back. I give him two fives. He gives me one of the fives on top of the tip. Then he says 'what the hell. Keep it all. Might have been having a good day, might have been his only twenty. Karma dues. That's what he was paying. You never know. He'll get it back though."

"You could get Donald Trump in your cab. He could part with a million dollars, but he don't even leave a buck. You never know."

Mike on Chicago-
"People want a response in Chicago. That's the number one thing. Don't matter if it's a good response, they just want you to see them back."

Mike on the Culture of Chicago-
"So many different villages. History of Chicago, you got a bunch of people from little European Villages who move into neighborhoods, maintain their culture. Then you got people from Mississippi, got off on 63rd street, maintained their southern hospitality.... you got a nice friendly talky city cause of all that. But they all want a response."

Mikes favorite saying, coming from the land of Physics-
"Energy is neither gained or lost, but transferred."

more excerpts from the DMV photo line

Overheard from DMV photo line: "And my babies like smiling at everyone, and I'm like, 'I'm gonna beat the crap out of her. She gonna get me arrested.' She so evil. She was born that way. Evil."

Overheard in the DMV photo line: "White people kill sneakers, ya know?"

Overheard from person on phone: "Do you hear me? This isn't gonna happen. Do you hear me? This isn't going to happen."

excerpts from the DMV

September

Quoted to me on telephone when I was at DMV: “Both really rich and really poor people think it’s all right to drink in the morning.”

Overheard: (in DMV line): “I don’t know if I should go on anti-depressants or if I should shoot myself.

Overheard (in DMV line, on my neck): Man whistling star spangled banner (What I wish my response would have been: “If you’re not European (he was not), don’t stand so close to me.” Or “I don’t think we know each other well enough for you to blow in my ear.”

Overheard (in line by same man): Whistle morphs into humming something vague

DMV sign: NO ABUSIVE LANGUAGE OR CONDUCT

Experienced in DMV line: Whistler’s body seems connected to mine. I move an inch, he snaps closer, like a rubberband hinges us.

Thought in DMV line: Mary Poppins couldn’t cheer this place up. It smells murderous. I keep feeling like I forgot to get dressed and have to keep checking my clothes are on. I can’t feel my clothes on my body at the DMV.

Noticed: There is no method to the madness. The help desk calls out numbers almost at random. “Now serving BM123. Now serving ch157. Now serving…X3PO. Now...etc...” It’s like Bingo, but we don’t have cards, so all we can only dream of one day having cards, and hope if we had cards they would have winning numbers. Our faces are plastered against restarant windows. The DMV has turned us into stray dogs.

Seen in DMV line: 11 year old girl brutally hitting her brother, who’s 6 year-old arm seems an ineffective defense.

Heard at the DMV: "Not the face, Sia. Don’t hit me in the face. I have a Juicy Juice commercial on Tuesday."

Think poem at the DMV: DMV/ I love/ how shitty/ you are to/ me.

Think at the DMV: Bingo! Bingo! I got Bingo!

Think at DMV: Pick me.

Conversed at help desk, after my number is called, in the DMV line:
How long you lived at this new address?
Three years.
Three years? You’re supposed to change your license after 10 days of moving.
Oh.
You coulda been pulled over by a bad cop, got a 75 dollar ticket.
I didn’t know.
Well, you got lucky.
Good.
You an organ donor?
Yes.
We’re not going to take anything until you’re dead.
Thank you.
I never get tired of that joke.
Perk of the job I guess.
(laughter resembling smokers cough)It gets me every time.
How many times do you tell it a day?
‘Bout three hundred. Unless I don't take no break.
Any break.
What?
Nothing.

Think at the DMV: Criminals understand society better than anyone.

Get at the DMV: A surprisingly half-decent photograph.

Say to myself as I drive away from the DMV, as I read my ID: I’m short and live in Illinois.