Well, I got a call back for the audition for my life. My second uncle was there, and a bunch of other men in fake mustaches. I would tell them a good waxer before they left, but maybe a little Goo Gone was all they needed.
"What part are you reading for?" I asked my 2nd uncle.
"The part of Amy," He said.
"But that's my life," I protested.
"Well, you did leave it on the bulletin board for several years-"
"But, you're a boy."
"Nothing personal," he said, "except boys do play better girls than girls do. I mean seriously, have you ever gone in a time machine and watched Shakespeare with an all male cast? It's much better. Not so much d-r-a-m-a."
"That doesn't make any sense," I said.
"Look honey," he said, patting my hand, like a nurse does a coma patient. "We had a little intervention-"
"For who?" I intervened. "I wasn't invited!"
"For you."
"But I wasn't there."
"Well, everything upsets you so much, we had it without you."
"Nothing you're saying makes much sense."
"Listen, tootsie wootsie," he said. "I've been voted to read your part, because you might screw it up-"
"But that's life," I intervened. "I mean, I'm sure God would understand if I make some mistakes-"
"Oh come on, Tootsie, you don't talk to God-"
(ahem) I am going to stop here, and intervene in my own script. This is beginning to feel like when I find a great song on the radio, and as soon as it ends, some man starts talking about 'what would jesus do' like some church got rewired into my radio... and than pretty soon, I'm being advised how to treat my fellow man...and I tell myself this is public radio....but then he gets way more religious than liberal and I'm frightened... this man on the radio is not Ira Glass, but the station lower, the religious show...then I wonder if it's a sign and I need to listen, since I didn't practice religion, that maybe I should listen now, and then and then............
blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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