permanent pregnancy

I have become so accustomed to being pregnant that it seems odd it is not a permanent condition. I have grown so used to the kicking, my belly will feel dormant without it's beat. Even the drool that now accompanies my naps will make my mouth feel dry and dusty without it. The drool has become an indicator to me that I had a good sleep.
I have grown used to my absurd reflection in windows and mirrors, and the gigantic protrusion that makes it difficult to hug people with any sort of embrace.
I cannot imagine sleeping on my stomach again. I think I will resist sleeping on my stomach because it will be such an enormous reminder that the baby is no longer in my belly and out in the world. It will be like waking up realizing I have finally forgotten an old love who I thought I would never forget, realizing I have spent an entire day without thinking about him once.

But then I see a woman walk past the window in jeans, loose and comfortable around her hips and I think "jeans." I have always loved jeans, probably too much, probably to an absurd degree. But considering hat people pay for jeans I am hardly alone.  The thing is the thought of being able to wear them again, is like a balm on this wound of not being pregnant anymore, once that happens. And then there are spices. How I miss spices and sushi and shell fish and unpasturized cheese. I do not miss deli meat.

But being permanently pregnant would have it's priviledges. People always stepping aside on the sidewalk for me, always parking in the special spot in the mall for Expectant Mothers, getting smiled at all the time. I can wear the same dress day in and say out, since very little of my clothes fit me, and everybody excuses me for being tired or hungry or crazy. The world and it's inhabitants treat me so gently and I am not sure I want to give that up.

On the other hand, my stomach is so heavy, I must flip over every twenty minutes at night to keep my hips from the painful ache of the weighty belly. I have to pee all night long and my the fifth or sixth time, I can no longer fall back asleep because my mind has caught onto some neurosis or another. And it's not easy to stand up everytime to pee. I start to stand and then realize that there is a watermelon wrapped around me.  And even as I walk away from the bathroom, I start to have to pee again.

Sometimes, I am really done being pregnant, but not because I want to wear jeans or pee less, but because I want to meet this peson I have been carrying around with me. What kind of person will he be? What will it be like to have him lying next to me, not within me? What will it be like to touch his little legs and  rub his warm little belly? To be his mommy and Ben to be his daddy? And to think, this is what happens everyday, babies always being born, and this little boy, being only one of them.

I guess there is no hurry for him to come out. He'll come when he's ready, and I will continue to get the house ready for him, this houseguest, who has said he will come to visit, but not clear on the date.

Comments

[cat]

Amy, how beautifully exact and true is that?? Amazing. And it's such a romance, isn't it. I miss him in my belly and love him in the world. I can't believe it's the same person, sometimes. Thank you for writing this.